How to Get a Husband in 10 Days or Less
by kieshagiesha
Summary: Chun Yan Wang had a penchant for getting knocked up by total bastards who leave her as soon as the child is born. Well, it only happened twice, but in the opinion of her younger sister Sakura, that was two times too many. Third time is NOT the charm, and a certain Russian by the name of Ivan Braginski will make sure of it.
1. Chapter 1

"Lau, be a dear, and pass the pork buns."

"No."

"No? What do you mean 'no'?"

"I _mean_ that your cholesterol levels are going to skyrocket if you don't alter your dietary habits."

"Aiya! Lau, how many times have we been over this, I am your mother, so you need not be mine!"

Leon (very intelligently) chosen to eat on the couch beforehand, as to not get caught up in the fray. His mother and half-brother were like this, all the time. He turned around to face the dining table behind them. "Mum," he spoke to his brother monotonously, "Lau's right. It's not good for you."

Lau hummed looking very self-satisfied at the younger boy's comment.

But Leon continued. "However, Lau, you need to stop being such a grandmother."

"Hah!" their mother cried, jumping up and pointing a tiny finger in her elder's face.

Lau rolled his eyes at the immaturity of the woman who raised him. "Well of course I have to act motherly," he explained. "Because our own mother acts like a child."

"Hey!" said mother pouted, plopping herself back down on the cushioned dining chair.

Both Lau and Leon smirked.

"Thank you," Lau said airily.

"For proving his point," Leon finished for his older sibling.

Chun-Yan Wang just pouted some more. It did nothing to help her case.

…

Chun-Yan had a penchant for getting knocked up by total bastards who leave her as soon as the child is born. In her defense, Chun Yan was both a successful entrepreneur and a nympho. She'd had sex with so many different people from so many different places, that the odds of a broken condom were pretty high. It was a wonder that it only happened twice, but in the opinion of her younger sister Sakura…that was two times too many.

Sakura was one of those perfect people. Pretty, smart, caring, kind, athletic, every single adjective you could think of that would accurate portray her ability to be good at anything and everything. She was the epitome of flawless. Her and her Greek boyfriend of who knows how many years (Chun Yan couldn't remember a time when they weren't together) were getting married next spring. Of course Sakura would never understand what her older sister was going through.

First it was that idiot Portuguese. Lau's father. Chun Yan didn't know where the hell he was, and that might have been a good thing, because if the Chinese woman knew his whereabouts, it would result in a murder and a jail sentence for the man and the woman, respectively.

Armando, his name was. Chun Yan lost her virtue to him, and it got her pregnant.

But then there was Leon's father. The seemingly oh-so-sweet Britannia Angel, whom, if you got to know him well enough, could possibly be the offspring of the devil. Chun Yan should have asked him to get a DNA test.

Arthur Kirkland.

Now, if Arthur Kirkland was any other random guy, it would be fine. But Chun Yan and Arthur used to be in a long-term relationship. But in the end, what did she get out of it? A baby, an opium addiction, and then a broken heart when her bisexual boyfriend left her for a buff American male model cum pilot. In that order. Well, at least she got started on the drugs after Leon was born, because then he would have come out one seriously messed-up child.

The worst part was, Chun Yan couldn't simply _forget_ Arthur Kirkland. Sakura happened to be best friends with Arthur's boy toy, Alfred F. Jones, as well as Arthur himself. She saw them all the time at those dreaded dinner parties that Sakura hosted.

Sometimes, she kind of wished that it worked out between her and Arthur.


	2. Chapter 2

"Chun Yan! Leon! It's been ages since I've seen you two! Oh my, Chun, you're beautiful as ever of course, but Leon! Such a big boy! Almost twice your mother's height! And Lau! Lau! How are you studies going? Good, I hope! Aah, come in, come in!"

"Come in, come in." he ushered his sister and two nephews onto the dust rose couch. "Lien! Mei! Soo Jin!"

"_Noooooonaaaaaaa_!" A white and pink blur hurled itself at Chun Yan, latching on tightly. "Oh! It's been so long, I missed my big sister so much!"

"Hello to you too, Soo Jin," the elder said, chuckling. Lien and Mei followed closely behind, and with a quick bow and a "Hello, sister," they left. Although Lien looked a bit more reluctant than her younger sister.

"Is Sakura here yet?" Chun Yan asked, dismissing the coldness from her two sisters.

"Aah, yes, she's in the office. Wedding preparations, you know. And excuse Lien and Mei, they're busy organizing things…Lau, Leon, why don't you go help your aunts?"

Both boys knew this was a ploy to get them to leave, and Sunan knew that they knew this, and the boys knew that Sunan knew that they knew this, so a silent agreement between the three men was made, and they left to go help Mei and Lien. As soon as they were out of earshot, Sunan spoke again.

"Speaking of the wedding…is there a man you would like to bring with you?"

"No!"

"A woman?" Soo Jin piped up.

"No!"

"A transexu—"

"Aiya! There is no one. I am perfectly fine on my own!"

"Tell that to someone who hasn't known you their whole life," Sunan spoke smugly.

"Well who are _you_ taking then?"

"My girlfriend, of course!"

"You have a girlfriend?" Chun Yan was genuinely shocked.

"Noona. They've been together for over a year," Soo Jin deadpanned.

"Yes! She's a lovely Indian girl, Sona. I met her at one of the 'Save the Jungle' protests!"

Soo Jin muttered something about dirty hippies.

"Who is everybody else taking?"

"Well," Soo Jin began, "Mei's bringing this hottie from some island, I have no clue where, but his guy is hot! The only reason I'm not complaining is because I'm dating this guy from Russia. Or I think he's from the Ukraine? Yeah, anyways, he's got a big family like us, and, oh Lord, Chun, his dick is gigan—"

"OKAY!"

"Geez, Chun, for a woman who's been pregnant twice, you're a total prude."

"You're just totally crude, is all."

"Tch. Well, anyways, it works out, because Lien's going to ask out his little sister. It's going to be perfect!"

"I didn't know Lien swung that way?"

"Well, apparently the little birdy bats for both teams. At least, that's what she told Sunan."

"What's the girl like?"

"Well, for one, she's totally obsessed with her elder stepbrother. Actually kinda stalker-ish. Lord knows what Lien sees in her, but her mind works in _weird_ ways. Weird, weird ways…"

"And yours doesn't?"

"Shut _up_!"

…

Chun Yan supposed being a single mother with many kids ran in the family. First, her mother gave birth to her, the oldest. Then, she got married to Sakura's dad, and the two girls became stepsisters. They bonded quickly, Chun Yan teaching the younger one everything she knew. Then, her mother and Sakura's father gave birth to Mei. Of course, Mei always liked Sakura way more than Chun Yan/

Even though Chun Yan took care of Mei her whole childhood.

Lien and Sunan were half siblings with the same father, who lived with him, and moved in with Chun Yan when he got married to her mother. When they got divorced, Sunan wanted to stay with Chun Yan's mom, and since he and his half-sister were practically inseparable, Lien came along with him.

Soo Jin was the youngest, a product of a fling with a chef from Korea. She probably cared about Chun Yan the most. Maybe she was on part with Sunan. But Sunan got along with _everybody_.

At least the kids had a lot of good people to grow up around.


	3. Chapter 3

"Do your sons have girlfriends?"

"What?"

"I said, do your sons have—"

"Yes, yes, I _heard_ you Mathias. Just caught me off guard. Shit, I don't know. That's kind of sad. I feel so uninvolved in their lives. I think Lau has a girl he met at the casinos. I don't think Leon has anyone."

"Dude, your older one has a serious gambling addiction."

"Eh, he wins a lot of money. But why do you ask about them having girlfriends?"

"Because I think Leon's gay."

"Really, do you now?" Chun Yan looked a bit uncomfortable.

"The sexual tension between him and my future brother-in-law is powerful."

"O…kay?"

"Yeah, he's a total queen. I would know. I'm one myself. And I live in a house full of them! Though I'm pretty sure Peter has a girlfriend…"

"So, um, you think Leon and Emil…you know…?"

"I know so. It's a fact that Emil's totally flaming, and your son doesn't seem like the straightest pole in the strip club either!"

"Oh…is that…so?"

"Do you not approve?"

"It's just—"

"Reminds you of Arthur, huh?"

"It is really that obvious?" Chun Yan asked the Dane, wincing slightly at the fact that he could read her so easily.

She had come to visit her ex-brother-in-law, Arthur's little brother, Peter (whom she adored, and Peter adored her too), at his surrogate family's house. There was Tino and Berwald, Peter's two adoptive fathers, Berwald's stepbrother Mathias (who she was currently talking to), Mathias' boyfriend Lukas, and Lukas' brother, Emil. Who apparently had some UST (or was it already RST?) going on with her younger son.

And of course, Peter, who was currently in his room talking to Sakura, whom he also adored. And then Hana Tamago, the little white dog who was currently occupied with Pochi, Sakura's little Shiba.

But back to Leon's possible homosexuality. Mathias broke her out of her reverie.

"I mean, I get why you would be worried. I mean, after what happened with Arthur, I'm sure you pretty much think of him whenever you hear the word 'gay,' but the fact of the matter is, he loved you, and then he loved someone else. It doesn't mean he didn't love you at one point. I mean, it was a total dick move to get you pregnant them leave, I get it. But, y'know, if your son inherits a little more from Arthur besides the eyebrows, it's all good."

"I know, I know. I have nothing against him being gay. It's just that I don't want him to leave me."

"I get it. And, he might not even be gay. I'm just making an educated guess."

…

"_**Mom, I'm gay."**_

"_**What?!"**_

"_**I like boys."**_

"_**Just like you're son-of-a-bitch father! You're going to fall in love then leave me!"**_

"_**Mum! No, I'm—"**_

"_**FUCKING FAG!"**_

"GAHH!" Leon shot up, into a sitting position, drenched in sweat, panting.

_Ah, just a dream._

Though, his mother could still react like that when he came out of the closet.

He walked out of his room, into the kitchen.

"Oh! Welcome back to the world of the living, dear!" his mother joked. "Are you hungry?"

"No, not really. Hey, I have to tell you some—"

He was interrupted by the sound of loud knocking, a female's muffled cry of pain, the doorbell, and Lau shouting, "Mom! Open up!"

Chun Yan rushed to the door, twisting the lock and opening the door for her son, and a woman dressed in pink with a long blonde braid. "Lau, why couldn't you open the door yourself?"

Lau looked sheepish. "I left my key at home…"

"Useless brat!" Chun Yan chided, but then broke out into a smile enveloping her son in a hug. "And who's this?" she asked, motioning to the woman.

"Ah, this is Monique, my friend, er, um, now my _girlfriend_ from the casino."

"Lau? With an actual girlfriend? Never thought I'd see the day."

Monique chuckled. "Same! I'd always see him drunk stumble to the motel across the street from where we usually paly, with some giggling bimbo hanging off his arm. I's always think 'God, what a douche, feel sorry for the dumbass that falls in love with him.' And now he's my boyfriend."

"Ha! I like her, Lau!"

"Good mum, I'm glad you approve…" Lau walked away in embarrassment as his mother and girlfriend walked behind him, exchanging funny stories about the boy.

In the meantime, Leon had retreated to his room, left to stew in his own juices. So his brother had a girlfriend?

Yeah, like hell he was going to come out of the closet _now_.


	4. Chapter 4: Omake

"Hi dad! How are you?"

"Hello, Lau. I'm well, and you?"

"I'm wonderful. Why are you calling me? Not that I don't want you to call me, but, is there a specific reason?"

"Yes, there is. So, your aunt and her husband are getting married in a few months, yeah?"

"Yeah, end of March."

"And, well, I happen to be Heracles' cousin, so he invited me and my brother for the wedding."

"So what's the problem? It'll be great seeing you and—oh. I see."

"Yeah. I'd much like to keep all my limbs intact."

"Mom's going to have a fit."

"You betcha." The man on the other end said, sighing. "Look, Lau, you know that my biggest regret is leaving your mom, right? It was just a little fling, and once I found out she was pregnant, I called and called—"

"Dad. I know. I don't resent you for that."

And Lau didn't. Otherwise, he would have never maintained such a close relationship with him. Not only that, but he kept it a secret from his mother. He never lied to his mother. Well, except for this. He even chose a college closed to where his father lived so that they could meet often. But he was home for the long weekend, Martin Luther King Junior Day or something.

But his parents being in an enclosed area with eachother?

Not good. At all.

…

"Arthur! Arthur it's so tight! It's not gonna fit!"

"Bloody hells, stay still, will you? It'll hurt less if you stop trying to resist!"

"But…aah! It hurts!"

"Just loosen up, love. I promise it'll feel better."

"O-okay, babe, just…hahh….take it out, take it out!"

"Shh, it's inside now Alfred…"

"Thank God, I thought I was never going to get that damn shoe on."

"Well if you bought a size bigger like I _told_ you to, it would have been a whole lot easier. Leather is really hard to work with."

"Mmm, what about when I used that whip during—"

"Another word and you're on the couch for a month."

"Psh, whatever. Why are we buying stuff to wear to 'Kura's wedding _now_? It's only, what, the middle of January? She's getting hitched at the end of March!"

"True, but knowing you, if you don't go shopping now, you'll forget about it completely, and show up at the wedding in your silly cowboy-esque getup."

"Hey! Cowboys are sexy!"

"Whatever."

"That's not what you say when I'm riding _you_, Artie!"

'Artie' blushed crimson.

…

_**Flashback**_

_**About 20 years ago**_

"What's the matter, Heracles? You know, you can tell me anything."

"What do you mean?"

"Do not play games with me. You haven't brought a girl home in over a month. Something's up."

"I…am in love with this girl…"

"You? In love? Blasphemy!"

"Shut it, Gupta. Just because we all know you like _older_ women…"

"Miss Adnan is only twenty one!"

"Still, four and one half years your senior."

"Okay, stop changing the subject. Who is this great goddess of a girl that has the grand master of one night stands, Mister Heracles Karpusi, falling head over heels?"

"Goddess?"

"Well, she has to be. You've had a month long dry spell."

"It's…Sakura Honda…"

"The virgin? Heracles, if you even dare…"

"I don't want her just for sex, though. I love her. She's the first and only girl I love, have ever loved, and will ever love. I've been spending so much time with her, and she's…perfect."

Unbeknownst to the boys, a shy, black-haired girl stood behind the bushes, possibly the happiest person on Earth.

When Gupta left, the girl poked her head out slightly. "H-Heracles?"

"Sakura! Ah, how long have you been standing there…?"

"Long enough to know…that I love you too."

_**End of Flashback**_

"I still can't believe it took us twenty years to get engaged."

"I just wanted to live in the moment."

"I'll say. It took you almost a year to fuck me."

The Greek did a spit-take. "Excuse me?"

"Yeah, I mean, for the school's whore, you were pretty conservative about sticking your dick in me."

"Sakura…you've changed."

"No, love. You changed me!" She giggled.

That night, Heracles recorded the conversation in his daily journal (not a diary).

_And that was when I realized that my fiancée and girlfriend of nearly two decades was not only insane, but completely psychotic. _

_But I still love her._

**AN: Okay, this is an Omake of sorts. Also I have a really long author's note that I am going to post right now.**


	5. AUTHOR'S NOTE pffft ALSO HAPPY NEW YEARS

**Okay, so to clear shit up. **

Lau is Macau

Leon is Hong Kong

Lau's father is Portugal

this fic is not historically accurate because both Macau and Hong kong were around before Portugal and England respectively

the idea of Portugal being Chun Yan's first came from the fact that the Portuguese were the first europens to sail to China

Also it is really hard to express family relationship within the Asian 8

this AN has a shit ton of spelling and grammar errors because I used WordPad and not MS word and wordpad doesn't have spellcheck

**Full ship list. I thought of EVERYONE.**

rochu - nyo!china

giripan - nyo!japan

usuk -yaoi

gerita -nyo!italy

hongice - yaoi

monaco and macau - het

hungary and belgium - yuri

seychelles and taiwan - nyo!seychelles

ukraine and korea -!nyo

belarus and vietnam - yuri

thailand and india - nyo!india

franada - nyo!france

spamano - nyo!spain

lietpol - yaoi

dennor - yaoi

sufin - yaoi

pruaus - nyo!prussia

wy and sealand - het

netherlands and australia - nyo!netherlands

liech and latvia - het

egypt and turkey -nyo!turkey

bulgaria and romania - nyo!romania

**Well, everyone but these four cuties. **

switzerland and ?

cuba and ?

estonia and ?

new zealand and ?


End file.
